I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the world’s most proactive blogger. But good things come to those who wait, and you – my humble, handsome readers – have waited long enough. Over the last 12 months, I’ve received literally zero requests for a blog update, so I know demand is high. In the immortal, poignant words of 90s Mexican-American rapper Baby Bash (ft. Akon): baby, I’m back.
My last post was on the 25th April 2014, which means we’ve got just over a year to cover.
Deep breath. Here we go.
1. I visited Bounce for the first (second and third) time
It’s a converted warehouse full of trampolines. My highlight was seeing a grown man on the dodgeball court going all-out Tarantino on a group of six-year-olds. It was similar to the final scene of Django, but there was more crying and slightly less maiming. Only slightly less, mind.
2. I went to a beautiful wedding in France (and booked the wrong flights)
I booked return flights for the wrong month. It cost me £300 to fix. And that wasn’t even my most expensive travel mistake of the year – which I’ll get onto in my next post.
At least we can laugh about it now, eh? Not really. However, it did mean that my partner and I got an extra day in Brittany’s Saint-Malo, which is a beautiful coastal town in the north east of France. Well worth the £300 and hour-long walk to the new hotel. Yes, I also misjudged the walk. Thanks, Google maps. Luckily, Harriet was there remind me every step of the way.
And take selfies, of course.
Lots of selfies.
Still, can’t argue with the view.
3. I lived the life of Leonardo DiCaprio (for four days, minus the supermodels)
I honestly believe travel isn’t all about luxury. It’s about meeting people, enriching your outlook and immersing yourself in a foreign culture, entirely without judgement or prejudice.
But once you’ve stayed on a 100-foot luxury superyacht, there’s no going back. For four days, I threw my (somewhat clichéd) principals to the wind and became Leonardo DiCaprio (albeit without the half-naked women, which is arguably the best bit). And I don’t mean eco-warrior Leo; I mean the alter-ego that’s as happy guzzling yacht fuel as he is champagne.
4. I drove a jet ski for the first time (and almost single-handedly destroyed a protected coral reef)
The same trip also afforded me the opportunity to drive a jet ski for the first time. I would say the results were mixed.
Eager to get going, I received a somewhat rushed brief from the yacht’s captain, from which the only take home was do not drive over that coral reef, it’s protected. With a scoff that implied “yeah, whatever Grandad”, I quickly (and somewhat accidentally) carved a path straight over it – because #yolo – and crunched the shallow, fragile coral reef below, damaging the bottom of the jet ski. With a quick look over my shoulder, I sped to the horizon; never to be seen again.
And then promptly returned to the yacht and got told off like the child I am.
5. I stayed in the largest Royal Suite in Dubai
Everything you see in the mostly out-of-focus timelapse video below is a single hotel accommodation at Dubai’s H Hotel; there’s also an upper floor with three bedrooms that I didn’t record because I’m not Kim Kardashian and some things are still sacred.
It’s all very private.
Anyway, I was going to try and cover most of the last 12 months in one blog post (because I’m lazy), but a year is actually quite long. Keep your eyes peeled for part 2, when I’ll tell you all about Christmas in the desert, crushing my testicles on a fairground ride in Hong Kong and sex shows in Thailand.