Before we begin, let me firstly apologise for not posting on this blog in over four months. To be brutally honest, I write for a living and often can’t be arsed doing it for free. Anyway, you’ve undoubtedly been wondering what’s been going on in my life (you’re only human), and I’ve been unfairly lazy. How do I know you’ve been wondering? Because someone, somewhere has been reading. Surprising, I know. But the stats don’t lie – and I checked them. Granted, my biggest fan is a man from Uruguay who has clicked on my blog more than once through the slightly dubious search term “siom porno bloger”, but greatness is often stumbled upon. Just like Sir Isaac Newton and gravity. Big shout out to my Uruguayan fan. If you’re reading this, I hope the blog is everything you hoped for and more. For everyone else, here are a few things that have happened to me over the last few months that you might enjoy.
1. Splitting my head open
You’ll probably enjoy this one more than I did.
Some months ago I got my first experience of a Dubai hospital after splitting my head open whilst playing football. I picked up the injury in a pretty bog standard way, just a minor clash of heads and then a… Oh hang on! No. That’s not how it happened at all. It was more like this:
Standing on the halfway line, our keeper kicked the ball from his hands. I tracked backwards and jumped for the header – not realising that the defender behind me had done the same just seconds before. I managed to jump head-first into his open mouth as he met the ball with his head. The impact couldn’t have been more kinetically perfect had you engineered it. He went down with blood pouring from his mouth and I felt quite a deep burn just above my forehead. With my index finger aggressively probing my own skull in disbelief, I decided that I’d probably sack off the rest of the match.
On the plus side, the guy who I clashed heads with apparently has teeth made of titanium and wasn’t injured at all. It was all my blood in his mouth. I also got to wear a bitchin’ shower cap for 10 days before the stitches could be removed.
2. Surprising my Mum and Dad on Christmas Eve
If you ignore my truly awful laugh and turn your head to the side, this video will give an idea of how it went. (Disclaimer: I was a bit drunk by this point after a six-hour flight delay)
3. Seeing the Rolling Stones in Abu Dhabi
This was a big one for the bucket list. Apart from Mick Jagger’s attempt at speaking Arabic and questionable pronunciation of “A-boo D-aaa-b-y”, the granddaddies of Rock N’ Roll have still got it.
4. Visiting Oman and the Maldives
I’ve already written real-life articles about these experiences, so instead of boring you with the details I’ll just let this picture do the talking. 5. Getting driven around Abu Dhabi’s Formula One track
Don’t get me wrong, it was incredible to be driven around a world-famous Formula One track by a professional, active racing driver. It beats getting into a battered Subaru in Leicestershire with an instructor who can barely see over his beer belly any day. But, as a proud man, there is something slightly feminising about being around a group of successful drivers in their full racing overalls, preparing for the track with lashings of deprecative banter. Especially when you are wearing the same overalls and waiting to get into the same car. In a way, it felt a bit like I was on the team. But in a much stronger way, it felt like I was the water boy.
I think you get the idea.
And that’s that. Another post done. Obviously, many more things have happened to me over the last few months, but if you’re that interested you can just ask me about them. I’ll now finish up with a few words to my massive Uruguayan fan base in their native language.
I just googled it, and they speak Spanish. Obviously.